My Life as it Is

Life. What's it all about? My life has taken a complete turn recently. I started on my meds obviously, and they've been helping me a lot. I'm ahead in all of my classes. I went to my psychologist appointment yesterday and he told me as soon as I sat down something was different about me. What was different was the question? He told me I seemed more 'mature' and direct about things. I told him life's too short to be nice to everybody all the time, and for what? To get stepped all over on? I don't think so, I've changed within the last 6 months. I used to be a sweet kid, giving people a 2nd chance, and a 4th and a 50th chance, but people never change. They take the chances and don't do anything to change themselves.
I also told him that I've come to the realization that I'm a good person, polite, nice, happy, confident, I have a glowing energy around me all the time now and people are drawn to that. But in addition I've also become more assertive with certain things. I will say 'no' if I have to. This doesn't mean I've become a bitch. Because the true meaning of a bitch is a person who doesn't go through with what they say or just backs out of something at the last minute.
I've also realized that I'm not necessarily searching for somebody to love me, but just for somebody for me to love. If the other person falls in love, truly falls in love with me, that's a plus. Yes, I am still with my boyfriend. And I've fallen in love with him everytime I hear his voice or he wraps his arms around me. But I have to admit right now, I'm not completely in love with him...yet. I still have some walls up, but in time they will come down. Maybe he'll be the bulldozer to my brick wall. Who knows? In time we shall see, but right now I'm just lovin bein with him. And you know what, I'm prepared for heartbreak. I don't think I'll be too messed up about it though, because I've gotten through everything else alright, why should heartbreak matter. It's almost as if my heart has no feeling when it comes to heartbreak. Although, I've never had my heart broken so we shall see,...or not.
Bruno Mars Just the Way You Are- one of the best songs ever! I'm in love with Bruno Mars and my boyfriend makes me feel that way that song is. If somebody would buy me that CD I'd be freakin out!! But I went to my babe's house on Wednesday night and he kept calling me beautiful and everything, I swear at one point he was quoting the song, but he doesn't know it's my favorite song ever.
On to other news my brother got engaged. There getting married in a year. I'm hoping to bring Jake,...but it's not for a while. I'm happy for my brother and his fiance, they've been dating now for I think 3 years, it's about time they got married! I'm sure Kara will make a beautiful bride as well, let's just hope she isn't going to be a bride-zilla...because i don't wanna have to deal with that.
Yesterday April and I went to Macy's, because the day before, we went to Vickie's Secret, and apparently my boobs shrank because of the weight I lost. The lady made me try on a freakin A cup, I was like this isn't going to fit, and hey what do you know? It didn't. So now apparently I'm a 34 B, but my boobs seem to fall out of that. I don't know bras are confusing and I think I should just go to get my bras customized or something.
I also have my cousin's 21st birthday to go to tonight, and I'm pumped, just don't know what to wear. I'm going to ask her, so I don't look too dressed down or up. But it's exciting, I will be 21 in 171 days, or like 5-6 months. I'm pumped. Well that's just an update on everything, more to come soon!
Peace. <3

First Day of classes for Fall 2010: 3rd year at UA

Woah! So today was the first day back to Akron since Spring semester! To start my day off, I woke up at 6:50 AM, my first class is at 7:45AM,...I get on campus at 7:22AM, and usually there's no parking at 11:00AM, but no, people tend to get up at the crack of dawn apparently and park in the deck I need to park in, by Simmons Hall. So I have no idea where my car is in that deck. I get to the College of Arts and Sciences, and there's a bunch of us waiting for our spanish teacher, there was a lady in the hall I kept seeing, she looked lost, I thought she was a student, because there's all these older people on campus now. She kept walking back and forth. I took a seat and the way the room is set up, my seat is facing the door, and I can see into the classroom right across from me, and there's a guy in there, same situation I'm in, he looks to be about 35-40. He's staring right at me, making me uncomfortable as all hell. So I stare back, in an attempt to make him feel the same way. He stopped. Then in walks the lady who looked lost...she was the teacher, or so she thought. She had us write on a piece of paper out names, addresses, numbers, and number of years takin spanish. Then she asks who our instructor is supposed to be. I do not know who it is since I never looked, so I wait for somebody else to respond, hoping I'm in the right class. She turns out to have made a mistake, and packs her stuff up and leaves. Two minutes later, our real teacher comes in, apparently there was a room change, she has the class write down our names, majors and why, and how many years of spanish we've had, where and when. When she's writing this down, these kids in my class are laughing, and I feel old, because I don't find anything funny...at all.
So my first class was kind of hectic, especially seeing as she told us about participation and how she would call out random people in class, which makes me uneasy. I hate being called on and participating, in case I get a wrong answer and somebody sneers at me, like the people who answer questions every 5 seconds, and ask questions that the teacher just answered! Ahh but, for the most part, this semester should be fun! I'm kind of excited now.
But for all the freshmen who have their parents on campus with them, really?! It's time to let go of your kid, or your parent(s), start living your own life, and act like an adult. It's fun, and easy. Get used to it. Geeeeesus!

Love Love Love Again

One of my favorite things in the world is waking up with him laying next to me. I have his picture on my phone but you can't hold a picture and you can't feel the beat of its heart. The picture can't hold you back and it can't wake you up my grabbing your sides or carressing your back. Everyday I leave his place I miss him so much right after that it hurts. I can't wait to see him right after seeing him. I fall deeper and deeper in love with him everyday. I know that the way I feel about him is real. I felt comfortable enough to get into a swimming pool with him last night in a bathing suit, which for me is a big deal because I have issues with that. I want to say that I know he's the one, but I'm not trying to get ahead of myself on that. I am truly in love with him.

On my Post the Love site:

R.I.P. Emma Margaret Nahas. I will miss you I wish I could have talked to you one last time. At one point in time we were sisters living the almost exact life just a couple streets down from each other. You helped me with so much, you were my sister, a sister I never had. We had so many good memories, and that will be your legacy. Emms I know you're in a better place now, God took you back. But I want you to know that I still love you so much. Our friendship grew to where we wwere spending every day together and would go to football games with those weird guys, which I never ended up giving his book back to him. :/ We threw parties with Jess and decorated the house that one day for the mexican party we were throwing. You stuck that smiley face stocker on grandma's butt she had a smiley ass. I have all the pictures we took in the mall hanging up. Ew that one time you got a needle stuck in your toe I felt bad because I couldn't get it out without getting sick, so Jess did it. Camping in the woods behind Jess' house, hilarious. New Years '06 with Annie, Katie, You and Jess, I will never forget it. Jill's 21st birthday at Rocco's pizza. That one time we forgot to pay at Rocco's. Riding on the electric scooter to Oak Park and seeing Mr. Jacoby. Bike rides and kids at oak park and going to dairy queen. Typing notes in free mods.You will not be forgotten. You were such an amazing young woman, and you knew it. You were fun and out going and hilarious as all hell and just a great person. You only let a couple people into your life. Thankfully I was one of them. You have no idea how much you changed me and made me come out of my shell. I am who I am today because of you. The guilt I have for losing touch with you these past 3 years, is tearing me up inside. But I wanted you to know that I will not forget you, it's impossible to forget somebody who leaves such a big impact on your life. I love you emms <3




my PTL site if you wanna check it out: http://postthelove.com/members/meganmsandy

Secret

There is only 1 secret I've never told anybody including my best friend. I can talk about anything else, except for this one thing. There's been plenty of opportunities to bring it up, but for a while I didn't remember what had happened. Somebody recently said something that rattled my brain and I remembered. It took me by surprise and now I'm left here wondering if I should say something. But I don't know how to say it or even who to talk to about it. It's not something that I want people to know, but at the same time I want somebody to know so that I can feel less constricted with this. I have a habit I do because of what happened. Yes, this isn't making any sense, but I don't know how else to put it out there. I can't say it, I don't know the words, plus I don't know if anything ever happened afterward or not.

* R.I.P. Emma Maragaret Nahas- you will be missed but your legacy of all the beautiful memories will go on. Those memories are your legacy. My best friend

Friendships past

Time will pass, feelings will not last. Friendships will be put to the test, you will learn to not trust the rest. Friends are hard to come by, so keep the ones who try. When you do end up not talking for a few years, the guilt will hit you like a thousand fears. By the time you want to talk again its too late, she's gone forever for god's sake. Take the time to talk to your old good friends, you never know when their life or yours will end.

Oh how ironic work is. I go to twin sisters today and tape up boxes and label them then I go to blossom music center and have to break down boxes. I have bruises and cuts up my left arm from creating the boxes and cuts on my right arm from opening the boxes. How ironic this life is.

Random Facts

An estimated one billion birds die each year in the U.S. from smashing into windows.

The smallest human penis ever recorded was just 5/8 of an inch long.
Men are 4 times more likely to get struck by lightning than woman.


Iguanas, Koalas and Komodo dragons all have two penises.
 
The Bible is the number one most shoplifted book of all time.
 
If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died from battle wounds; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
 
Over 2500 left-handed people a year are killed from using equipment made for right-handed people.

The right-handed power saw is the most deadly item.

Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia is the fear of long words.

Women speak about 7000 words a day. The average man averages just over 2000.

Polar bear fur is not white, it's clear.

There are no clocks in Las Vegas gambling casinos. It increases the sense of freedom, a disconnect from reality and thus, increases the dollars spent gambling.

Some other tricks casinos use:
1) There are no windows, so people don't know if it's day or night outside.
2) They design casinos to be like mazes so you can't find your way out.
3) They give free alcohol to the gamblers so they continue to gamble.

In 1998, Sony accidently sold 700,000 camcorders that had the technology to see through people's clothes.

Percentage of American men who say they would marry the same woman if they had it to do all over again: 80%.
Percentage of American women who say they'd marry the same man: 50%.

The largest number of children born to one woman is recorded at 69.

The longest English word, at 45 letters, is 'pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis'.

The cost of the halftime commercials during the Superbowl could feed the world's entire refugee population (62 million) twice.

Semen travels at 28 mph.

In Hong Kong the wife of a husband who commits adultery is legally entitled to kill the mistress in any manner desired - but she may only murder the husband with her bare hands.

In ancient Egypt, people shaved their eyebrows as a sign of mourning when their cats died.

'Subbookkeeper' is the only word that has double letters four times in a row.
In New York, the penalty for jumping off a building is death.

I love the way Dane Cook says debris.

In Love

I feel worth so much when I'm with him, like I actually mean something to somebody. Like I'm special to somebody. I feel like I belong in his arms and I'm so in love with him. In love. In love with Jake. <3

Update on Emma

They've stopped searching for her. Here's a link to the site and it's comments to view:
http://www.topix.net/forum/source/fox8/T62DDL20RS0BNG0H0/p5#lastPost

Some of these comments are extremely rude! Just to let everybody know they pissed me off.

Taken from Ohio.com [Please Pray!]

Search continues on Lake Erie for Elms graduate


By Beacon Journal staff



POSTED: 02:34 p.m. EDT, Jul 09, 2010



The U.S. Coast Guard continues its search on Lake Erie of Burke Lakefront Airport in Cleveland for a woman missing since Thursday night.

The Coast Guard says Emma Nahas, 21, a graduate of Our Lady of the Elms High School in Akron, was last seen wearing an orange bathing suit.

The guard was notified around 8:30 p.m. by the Cleveland Police Department who had received a 911-call from a boat on Lake Erie that one of its passengers was missing.

The guard said those aboard the boat indicated Nahas drifted away while swimming in the lake about 2 to 3 miles north of 55th Street in downtown Cleveland. Reports indicate she was not wearing a lifejacket.

The Coast Guard initially dispatched a 41-foot utility boat from its station in Cleveland Harbor and a rescue helicopter from Detroit.

The Coast Guard said the search continued Friday afternoon utilizing both boats and helicopters. Boats from the Cleveland Police Department, the Cleveland Fire Department and the Ohio Department of Natural Resources is assisted in the search on Friday.

Although federal regulations ''require that mariners merely maintain personal flotation devices onboard their vessels,'' the Coast Guard urges all passengers to wear life jackets at all times.


The U.S. Coast Guard continues its search on Lake Erie of Burke Lakefront Airport in Cleveland for a woman missing since Thursday night.

The Coast Guard says Emma Nahas, 21, a graduate of Our Lady of the Elms High School in Akron, was last seen wearing an orange bathing suit.


The guard was notified around 8:30 p.m. by the Cleveland Police Department who had received a 911-call from a boat on Lake Erie that one of its passengers was missing.


The guard said those aboard the boat indicated Nahas drifted away while swimming in the lake about 2 to 3 miles north of 55th Street in downtown Cleveland. Reports indicate she was not wearing a lifejacket.

The Coast Guard initially dispatched a 41-foot utility boat from its station in Cleveland Harbor and a rescue helicopter from Detroit.

The Coast Guard said the search continued Friday afternoon utilizing both boats and helicopters. Boats from the Cleveland Police Department, the Cleveland Fire Department and the Ohio Department of Natural Resources is assisted in the search on Friday.

Although federal regulations ''require that mariners merely maintain personal flotation devices onboard their vessels,'' the Coast Guard urges all passengers to wear life jackets at all times.

 
 
Emma and I were good friends at one point. It was Emma, Jess, and I. The trio in highschool. We were all three very close. This honestly does not seem real at all. I want to join the search for her. They need to find her. I admit the last 4 years we haven't talked but she moved away and there was no way to stay in contact. People change, but at one point we were close, and I wish that the search would end with finding her and she is okay.

The sky is crying for the tears I cant cry on a day like this. Pray for Emma.

This Love Knocked Me Off My Feet, He Caught Me Though

Well I talked to my boyfriend about the alleged eating disorder. He told me basically if I had one we would need to take a break for a month until I figured stuff out. That's when it hit me hard, I needed to snap out of it. I don't want to lose him. So I've been trying to eat, it's not going very smoothly. I just either forget to, or am too busy to eat, or even when I do eat it goes right through me. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm definately losing weight, I should be bloated this week, usually I get very bloated when it's that time of the month, and you can barely tell.

But to get on with life as I know it. This past week has been pretty good. The past 3 days I spent with Jake. It was a good 3 days, because I finally opened up to him. It only took 5 months. I tend to close up with people who try to get close to me, and open up with people who really don't care that much. I don't really know why, but it's always been that way, since I can remember. I need to work on it though. I figure certain people just make appearances in your life while other stick around, so they will know you more, and they have more time to get to know you. So that in time, maybe they will learn who the Real me is. Not that I'm a fake person around new people, it's just I close up and don't really talk. People that are close to me wish I'd shut the hell up though. But anyway all is good and going well with Jake. It's very exciting. I love him so much and care about him so much. It sucks not being with him all the time, but we all need some time to breathe.

Tonight I realized that a lot of people like to vent to me. I like to try and help them out, not complaining. But sometimes I feel like the advice I give to them they try to spin it around to me during situations where it doesn't even apply.

I'm not going to let anybody or anything stand in my way right now. I am focused and loyal, and a good person. Who is in love with a man who is focused loyal and a good person. We match very well. I love thinking about him, just imagine how I feel when him and I are actually together. It's an amazing feeling I have for him. I honestly can see us lasting a long time. I hope we do, I kind of know we will though. Him and I have been dating for 5 months, and still I get nervous but a good nervous feeling kissing him and just holding his hand. I love him so much. I wish I could knock down all the walls and remember stuff that could be important for him to know. But sometimes when there is something that is traumatising or embarrassing to me I block it out and totally forget about it until somebody tells me about it and I have to actually go into my memory and get it out of those cobwebs around it and remember.

My brother, Jim sprayed me with the hose today, it kind of felt good but I ran away anyway.

Life As I Know it is Falling Apart Slowly...

I don't want to say I have an eating disorder, because I am not too sure of it. But I eat once a day, I don't like to eat in front of people, I don't like talking about food, it's as if I feel ashamed to eat, and when I actually do eat it will be later in the day like around 11 pm usually, and I stay up until 4 am mostly. When I do eat it goes right through me. So I don't know what is going on. My mom the other night said I was borderline anorexic, and to be honest I think I'm getting there. I don't want to ask for help though, I'm too scared. I've apparently lost weight as pointed out by a couple people, including my boyfriend. I should talk to him about it, but I'm super scared that I'm going to breakdown, this is scary but kind of familiar territory. The symptoms I found on WebMD of eating disorders are:
1. A distorted body image.
2. Skipping most meals.
3. Unusual eating habits (such as eating thousands of calories at one meal or skipping meals).
4. Frequent weighing.
5. Extreme weight change.
6. Insomnia.
7. Constipation.
8. Skin rash or dry skin.
9. Dental cavities.
10. Erosion of tooth enamel.
11. Loss of hair or nail quality.
12. Hyperactivity and high interest in exercise.
 
I didn't even realize half of these were even symptoms which makes me think I really must have one. Because out of these syptoms these are the ones I have: 1[sometimes],2,3,6,9,11, and 12. Now I'm beginning to question it hard core. I'm super scared, if anybody has insight I would love to hear. Honestly, I would. Help!

I always find it funny when people lie. The reason the lie is either it's intinct or there scared to tell the truth. But to be completely honest I don't care if you are going to hurt my feelings tell me the truth it will hurt more if you lie to me. I'm just so sick of having to sort through everybody's lies. It's to cover the truth either they want to fool you or have fooled themselves into believing that they have fooled you. It's been a while since I've been fooled by somebody's dumb lie. And I just honestly feel bad for everybody who lies to me. I could be a good friend to you but instead you decide to lie because you're a coward. All liars are cowards deep down inside.

"Why does anyone lie? Cause your scared or crazy or just mean. I mean there's a million reason to lie, Noveline. But sometimes you tell a lie so big it changes your whole life. A lie so big it makes you think you'd do anything to take it back."-where the heart is

Note to Self, again: When you're taking Max on a hike and there's a horsetrailer parked in the lot, take the hint and do not take him on a walk on that trail. Otherwise you will have to sprint up the big ass hill you just walked down in your flip flops with Max lagging behind after noticing two big horses galloping your way. Also bring tennis shoes next time.

I feel special and important. To somebody I am a somebody. I've not felt this way since I was a kid and it feels right. For once everything is right, everything feels like it's supposed to feel. Everything. He's my everything.

Have you ever had such strong feelings for somebody that you felt everytime you thought about him the thought of him just holding you took your breath away or that you missed so much it hurt or even sometimes just thinking about him makes you smile? Yeah I know that feeling, I'm sure you could tell that already though.

Well a horrible night last night that I have no recollection of at all followed by a crappy day ended up to be a pretty amazing day spent with my man. Note to self: When drinking do not drink captains and vodka together. Also do not I repeat DO NOT throw up all over the place in a hotel room put your boyfriends clothes on and take a shower in them and then cry for two hours. And when he puts you in the bed don't slap him and then throw up on both beds forcing him to sleep on the ground. Because in the morning when your told what happened by the guy your dating who took care of you the entire night you will feel so incredibly dumb and horrible for putting him through that. All in all today was amazing he invited me over for dinner at his parents house I love being with him. I'm always happy.

Note to Self: When giving your dog eye drops it may take the whole day. So clear out your busy day and make sure to do a sneak attack on your dog.

"He's behind he'll never catch up. Ever! He missed the bus and it's not coming back. Sorry dude best hitch hike." April you crack me up!!

Pity. It's a shame. I feel bad for all the people out there who have no life and like to start drama between people. They start drama between other people because those people happen to actually have a life and care about other people. What a shame. I feel bad for you.

Work was bizarre today. I got serenaded by a guy wearing the flag and knelt down in front of me then he gets up and makes his buddy do push ups for me. Oh how I love all you drunken concert goers.

Working Insomnia

Ah work, how I loathe and love you. I hate the fact that I have insomnia so I'm always tired for you and how you stress me out with everybody you employ. But I love the fact that I get paid, and I actually like working!

Karma. I do believe karma is going to eventually kick my ass. Not that I've done anything wrong but what I've thought about doing. Karma and I are going to become best friends. I can feel it.

Well I went into the doctor's office today and ended up having to go to children's hospital to get a blood test done. I've never gotten blood drawn and I have a fear of blood. It took my mom and I an hour and a half to figure out where this place was at. The whole time I was nervous. We get to the place finally I almost have a panic attack while waiting they call me back. It ended up taking 2 tech's to find my veins and they ended up taking blood from my right hand which ended up coming very slow and swelling up. They went to get an RN and she couldnt find my veins either so she took it from my left hand. I felt like throwing up and passing out. My mom after bought me some food my hand is still swelled and killing me and I'm in my bed about to pass out. I'd say today was quite eventful.

Love is The Thing.

Love. The thing that most people are looking for. Maybe the reason people want to find it so much is to not be alone. Maybe it's because it's the closest thing we have to magic. Maybe it's just like the saying it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before.



All I know is that I am in love. It sounds corny and weird maybe to some people who know me. But I really am in love. I feel it. Every time he holds me or just kisses me, even when he kisses my forehead. I can just feel it. I truly am in love with him. My boyfriend is who I am in love with. It's crazy, I wasn't expecting to fall in love with him, but I am head over heels in love with him. Tell me if you know how this feels, because I find myself seeing him even in my dreams. The dreams are good dreams, but it's so crazy. This feeling is crazy. I am crazy in love. In love. So deeply in love. I love him so much. I made a list of pros and cons and there's like 53 pro's on it, and only 1 con. I can't find any flaw in him. The only con is a con I have with everybody the anger.



I hate how angry people get some times. I don't like arguing either. But that's for obvious reasons.

Anyway I just wanted to write this blog post on how in love I am. This feeling is beyond explainable. I just wanted it out there. There will be more to come on this feeling and I will probably write my list on my blog about the pros and cons. The pros definately outweigh the cons. But anyway. I'm very in love, and wanted people to know. Haha.

The sea is Inspirational.

Water has always been an inspiration to my life. It inspires me to live on. Water reminds me that no matter what the sea of life brings to your shore, the sea of life will find a way to take it back. Much like in life, when life throws something at us, we tend to either forget about it, or do something to balance it out. I figure since my sign is a pisces, which is a water sign, that's why the sea and I connect so much. I find the waves calming and relaxing. Sure, the waves will knock me down, pull me under, and sometimes make me almost drown, but I will survive. I will be a suvivor story. That's how this works. My life. How I am going to survive everything this life throws at me. Because if I'm a survivor in this life, than in my next life, who knows? Maybe I will be fortunate enough to where I don't need to try and survive, but just let life hit me in a way that's not so negative, and not so bad.



Although, my life isn't as bad as it may seem. I am not homeless, or come from a poor family. I come from a middle class family, have a house and a car. But me, myself, as a person...I'm broke. I'm broken. I'v been broken before and pulled myself up as well as others with me. I know I can make it, I will. I have that confidence in me. I'm a broke college student who is trying to find my motivation. I've never been motivated to do much, I've quit so many things, as my mom would like to remind me. Here's a list of the things I've quit:

-Ballet -Spanish Club

-Volleyball - Art Club

-Basketball - Dance Team

-Voice lessons - Swimming Lessons

-Guitar lessons - Softball

-Track - Soccer



I think the reason I quit, is because I get so frustrated with myself if I don't get it right the first time. Nobody will ever know how much I put myself down if I don't get it right that first time. They think that because I apparently slack is because I quit, but no, it's because I get sick of putting myself down, and I get so drained from it. I just end up quitting thinking I will never amount to anything. I've not done well in school since my senior year in highschool, and that was the only time I can remember that I did pretty great, getting above a 3.0. I don't know what was different, besides the courses I was taking, but I wish I could get that gpa again. I feel like such a screw up anymore. Life is going by passing me in the fast lane, and I feel like it's going in slow motion anyway.



The sea makes me believe anything is possible. With how many evolving creatures there are everyday, and how many people have survived these killer waves, it makes me think anything is possible. If anything is possible, then I will survive this life. I will survive. I will survive. Don't send me a life guard, because I will survive. I mean, unless he's cute and I end up falling in love. I do believe love is the reason I live. Love is the thing. I'm in love with love. I am also in love with somebody special and close to my heart. Love and the sea will be by survivors in the end.